England book their place in the semi finals of the World Cup as Sweden are brushed aside with the minimum of fuss, Jose Gimenez tears up during Uruguay’s defeat to France, Brazil are sent packing while Croatia squeeze past Russia.
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A report published on Friday conducted by the office of national statistics for alcohol consumption has revealed that beer throwing figures during England’s matches at the World Cup in Russia are more than triple the tournament average.
“We’ve been closely monitoring the behaviour of drinkers during a range of matches at the World Cup and our data shows that England fans are top of the table when it comes to buying a pint for the sole purpose of lobbing it in the air when the team scores” said co-author of the report Susan Drinkwater, adding that 90% of beer was being sent into orbit during England games compared to just 45% by their closest contender Croatia, while the average for all other teams across the tournament was a pitiful 24%.
The owner of The Glory Hunter Tavern who wanted to remain anonymous, said sales for the cheapest beer he has on top have sky rocketed. “All the punters want is the cheap stuff and nothing else. During the Colombia game, when it went to penalties there was a mad rush here at the bar and they ran me completely dry. Seconds later, I was mopping up the same beer and pouring it back in the barrel ready for the next game.”
The report went on to forecast that should football indeed be coming home, England’s beer throwing is all but guaranteed to exceed the 90% mark. However, should England be knocked out during their quarter final clash with Sweden on Saturday, the report predicts that 100% of beer will be consumed to drown sorrows.
After more than 3 centuries of waiting and over 100 attempts, England have finally managed to win a penalty shoot out at a World Cup. Teeny tiny Jordan Pickford proved to be the hero, as England booked a place in the quarter finals.
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Ruthless England score a record number of goals as they put six past hapless Panama meaning the World Cup is as good as theirs, Switzerland’s Granit Xhaka & Xherdan Shaqiri land in hot water after their goal celebrations against Serbia and Columbia send Poland packing.
The EPLpod boys also announce a surprise new sponsor. For all this and more, listen below:
Successful, wealthy, young footballer, Raheem Sterling has today been dropped from England’s World Cup squad after unveiling a tattoo of Peppa Pig dangerously close to his navel.
The talented Sterling revealed the controversial tattoo with a picture on his instagram account accompanied by the caption: “Much luv to lil peppa ❤️❤️❤️?”
Sterling, who has just enjoyed the most productive season in his career and to whom much of England’s hopes rest upon, had hoped his Peppa Pig tattoo would help temper the controversy from a gun tattoo he revealed earlier in the week.
However, his latest swine inspired ink seems to have backfired spectacularly, adding to an obscene list of gaffes including; daring to eat breakfast, not washing his car and flying on a budget online. Rightfully, condemnation was as swift as it was brutal with UK tabloids piling in on the Grenfell Tower donating Sterling, forcing the FA to act.
“The gun was one thing, but a tattoo of a cartoon pig is sinking to a whole new level,” said Daily Mail ‘journalist’ Trevor Thickett. “What if Sterling scores a goal in Russia and whips off his top revealing this disgraceful, oinking tattoo to a global audience? Kids will be watching, and they will think that it’s suddenly ok to laugh at all the pigs that have fallen victim to foot and mouth disease. If I had it my way we would skewer him on a spit roast, but I guess we’ll have to settle for crushing his dreams of leading England to glory.”
Though it appears that Sterling’s hope of featuring in Russia are now over, Three Lions manager Gareth Southgate has left the door slightly ajar. Sources within the England camp revealed hearing Southgate say that should Sterling have the offending tattoo seared off with a cattle brand using no anaesthesia, he would consider putting him back on the plane to Russia.
Frustrated by the lack of opportunities afforded to younger players, England manager Gareth Southgate confirmed on Tuesday that he intends to hand debuts to a host of youngsters who he insists will have absolutely no chance of being in his England squad for next years World Cup in Russia.
Having already given the likes of Ruben Loftus-Cheek his debut against reigning champions Germany last week, Southgate is set to field a starting XI against Brazil comprising entirely of players aged 18-21.
“I’m 100% committed to giving our younger players the chance they finally deserve. I said before that as soon as qualifying for the World Cup was over that I would give debuts to youngster in games that mean next to nothing.”
Asked if the players making their debuts would be selected in his squad for next Summers World Cup in Russia, Southgate was less enthusiastic: “Look, if these players go on to have phenomenal seasons with their clubs then maybe, and it’s a big maybe, I might be persuaded to put one of them on the plane to Russia. However, at the same time I do retain some hope that Wayne Rooney will be persuaded to change his mind and come out of retirement.”
While Southgate’s squad continues to take shape over the months leading up to the World Cup, the hope is that this current crop of naive youngsters will gain vital experience in having their hopes raised before their dreams are then unceremoniously crushed.
With Paul deep under a pile of rubble, Mike and Ben are left to man the studio as they chat about a thrilling weekend of international football, with the highlight being England’s 0-0 draw with Germany.
The chaps also discuss Javier Hernandez’ future at West Ham, footballers fascination with social media and dirty grandad Sepp Blatter being accused of grabbing Hope Solo arse.
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A dejected England have been forced to admit that their hopes of winning a first World Cup since 1966 are over before the squad even set foot on a plane to Russia, after minnows Iceland booked their place in next Summer’s competition.
Iceland, despite having a population of around 335,000 – the smallest nation to ever qualify for the World Cup – are still thought to be more than capable of cobbling together 11 players that will easily brush aside anything England’s 53m strong population can produce.
Usually renowned for its majestic scenery (which you can experience if you visit https://www.rent.is/) rather than football, Iceland has never been one of the biggest teams in world football. But when England are involved, they certainly turn up for the occasion.
The crushing blow came after Iceland sealed their place in Russia with a 2-0 win over Kosovo. The result was said to have struck fear amongst the England squad, causing nightmarish flashbacks of the teams humiliating defeat to Iceland at Euro 2016. And, not even Southgate’s desperate switch to an in vogue back three, or having Ballon d’Or nominee Harry Kane amongst his ranks have tempered the panic rippling through the squad.
Speaking after Iceland’s qualification, manager Heimir Hallgrimsson laid out exactly what England will be up against when the two sides inevitably meet in the knock out stages. “This is really odd, I don’t know what to say. I mean … Pelé, Maradona, Aron Einar Gunnarsson,” roared Hallgrimsson.
Following the devastating news, a defeated Southgate’s is rumoured to be ready to step down, while England can only hope that Iceland don’t qualify for Euro 2020.
With intricate lines and intelligent overlapping that England’s football team could only ever dream of, Origami is set to become the nations official sport ahead of both cricket and football.
The surprise announcement came during England’s drab 1-0 win over Slovenia at Wembley yesterday evening, when a carefully crafted paper airplane elegantly sashayed its way down from the half empty stands, beyond a rooted to the spot Joe Hart and into the back of net which was met with a rapturous roar of approval from the dozing home faithful. In stark contrast, Harry Kane’s stoppage time winner and confirmation of England’s qualification for next summer’s World Cup received only ironic cheers from the Origami ultras.
Speaking after the game, England manager Gareth Southgate refused to promise anything is likely to change over the coming months and conceded Origami was now the countries main focus of attention.
“Tonight highlighted where we are. We are not going to become Spain in the next eight months,” grumbled Southgate, vindicating the publics decision to ditch watching England’s beige brand of football and instead focus on the slightly less tedious activity of meticulously folding bits of paper.
Noting that origami won’t be to every football fans taste, the newly formed Origami Association said there are plenty of alternatives to keep them occupied during the World Cup including: unplugging your tv, watching paint dry and literally anything else.
The chaps chat about the awkward return Coutinho, Sanchez and van Dijk’s will be making at their respective clubs, Dele Alli’s one finger wave to his chum Kyle Walker and the West Ham owners who have a new unwanted nick name after a ‘cock up’ in the transfer window.
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