Eat My Goal

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  • Emery out airplane banner fuelled up and ready to go says pilot

    Emery out airplane banner fuelled up and ready to go says pilot

    In anticipation to Arsenal fans quickly turning on their new manager Unai Emery, airplane banner operator Ted Spruce already has an #EmeryOut banner prepared and attached to his fully fuelled Cessna Skyhawk.

    “As soon as I heard the news that Unai Emery was going to be the man to take over from Arsenal Wenger, I immediately started making an ‘Emery out’ banner and an ‘In Emery we trust’ backup, just to cover my bases. There are only a handful of pilots willing to waste the hours of learning it takes to fly on pointlessly unfurling football fan messages above stadiums, but I can tell you the competition is fierce amongst us. That’s why I wasted no time in readying the Emery banners. Now when I get the call from an Arsenal fan sobbing down the phone I’ll be able to have my plane in the air within minutes leaving my sorry competitors grounded,” boasted Spruce who went on to say that his phone had been ringing off the hook with inquiries after Arsenal’s inevitable defeat to Manchester City in the Gunners’ opening game of the new Premier League season.

    “All of the calls have asked the same thing so far: ‘how quickly can you get an Emery out banner in the sky?’ Their moods are immediately lifted when I tell them I’m sat on the runway with the banner in wait.”

    Bruce confirmed that such has been the demand that he’s been able to more than double his price and that he’s on standby to fly over Stamford Bridge with an Emery out banner for Arsenal’s imminent defeat to rivals Chelsea on the Weekend.

  • The Eat My Goal Premier League predictions to bet your house on*

    The Eat My Goal Premier League predictions to bet your house on*

    You’ve heard what the all expert pundits have to say but now it’s time to get serious. Here are the essential Eat My Goal Premier League predictions that only a fool would choose to ignore. If you choose to act upon these solid predictions, you might want to check out the various online games where you can place an exciting wager and potentially see a return if you back the winning team.

    Champions
    Liverpool have had the strongest transfer window, have spent the most money, and finally have a world class keeper, while optimism is soaring that it’s finally going to be their year. All of which can only mean it will of course be Manchester City lifting the trophy in May, perhaps by a slightly tighter margin than last seasons 19 points.

    The Top Four
    Irrelevant. Once Brexit bites, qualifying for the Champions League will be a pointless endeavour when half your team is sat in an immigration office for 12 months grovelling for a work permit.

    Dark Horse
    Black Beauty

    Golden Boot
    Xherdan Shaqiri. Have you not seen the mans thighs? As is well known, there is a direct and indisputable correlation between thigh girth and goal scoring ability.

    The Sack Race
    Mark Hughes. Having narrowly missed out on getting two teams relegated in the same season last time round, Sparky will be looking to go one better this term, and getting the first sacking under his belt before anyone else will put him firmly on course. Hughes will be closely followed by Jose Mourinho who will then triumphantly proclaim coming 2nd in the sack race is one of his greatest career achievements.

    Relegated
    Spurs will occupy all three relegation spots having refused to spend a single penny during the summer transfer window. The Premier League is not a competition to see who can can accumulate the most points. Rather, it’s to see who can stuff the most wads of cash into agents pockets, and any team that refuses to join in shall be shunned from the Premier League club, even if they come to their senses in January.

    *Definitely don’t bet your house on any of the above predictions.

  • Revealed: Chelsea’s transfer policy based entirely on players names fitting their positions after Kepa deal

    Revealed: Chelsea’s transfer policy based entirely on players names fitting their positions after Kepa deal

    After announcing the £71m signing of Spanish goal keeper Kepa Arrizabalaga, Chelsea Chairmen Bruce Buck has admitted that all future signings will only be considered if their names closely resemble the positions they play.

    “People thought we were bringing in Kepa for a world record fee because he is one of the most talented young keepers around but I can tell you that is complete and utter nonsense. We brought him in because his first name sounds like keeper, plain and simple. What more evidence could you possibly need that he’s going to be good between the sticks than that?” Said Buck who also revealed that the new nominative determinism recruitment strategy would extend all the way through the Chelsea youth ranks.

    “In the past we’ve stuck to scouting the conventional way when we’re trying to squander our millions and that brought in the likes of Alvaro Morata. But really, what chance did he ever have of sticking 20 plus goals in the back of the net last season with a name like that? The closest we’ve come to success previously was when we signed Danny Drinkwater. But all he’s managed to do since arriving is keep himself exceedingly well hydrated. However, now that we have tweaked our database algorithm, you can already see the results with the signing of a quality keeper in Kepa.”

    The Chelsea Chairmen went on to to say that the club are not yet finished with their summer dealings and that they were optimistic that the German under 21 forward Lars Striykar would be added before the transfer window closes on Thursday.

  • EPLpod: Ozil quits German national team

    EPLpod: Ozil quits German national team

    Mesut Ozil takes a stand against racism, calling time on his international career after receiving hate mail and threats following Germany’s disappointing group exit at the World Cup.

    Ozil will now be able to fully concentrate and focus on his playing career, much to the disappointment of many Arsenal fans.

    Listen to the latest episode of EPLpod below:

  • 2018 Russia World Cup: Ruthless France end Croatia’s dream

    2018 Russia World Cup: Ruthless France end Croatia’s dream

    VAR, bizarre goals, Pussy Riot pitch invasion, a down pour. Didier Deschamps’ France show their superiority in an eventful final as they lift the World Cup for the second time in their history.

    The gents take in all the action from the final, and if that isn’t enough there is also a murder caught on air!

    Listen to the latest episode of EPLpod below:

  • 2018 Russia World Cup: Is it coming home?!

    2018 Russia World Cup: Is it coming home?!

    England book their place in the semi finals of the World Cup as Sweden are brushed aside with the minimum of fuss, Jose Gimenez tears up during Uruguay’s defeat to France, Brazil are sent packing while Croatia squeeze past Russia.

    Listen to the latest episode of EPLpod below:

  • Report: Beer throwing figures through the roof during England games

    Report: Beer throwing figures through the roof during England games

    A report published on Friday conducted by the office of national statistics for alcohol consumption has revealed that beer throwing figures during England’s matches at the World Cup in Russia are more than triple the tournament average.

    “We’ve been closely monitoring the behaviour of drinkers during a range of matches at the World Cup and our data shows that England fans are top of the table when it comes to buying a pint for the sole purpose of lobbing it in the air when the team scores” said co-author of the report Susan Drinkwater, adding that 90% of beer was being sent into orbit during England games compared to just 45% by their closest contender Croatia, while the average for all other teams across the tournament was a pitiful 24%.

    The owner of The Glory Hunter Tavern who wanted to remain anonymous, said sales for the cheapest beer he has on top have sky rocketed. “All the punters want is the cheap stuff and nothing else. During the Colombia game, when it went to penalties there was a mad rush here at the bar and they ran me completely dry. Seconds later, I was mopping up the same beer and pouring it back in the barrel ready for the next game.”

    The report went on to forecast that should football indeed be coming home, England’s beer throwing is all but guaranteed to exceed the 90% mark. However, should England be knocked out during their quarter final clash with Sweden on Saturday, the report predicts that 100% of beer will be consumed to drown sorrows.

  • 2018 World Cup in Russia: England finally win a penalty shoot out

    2018 World Cup in Russia: England finally win a penalty shoot out

    After more than 3 centuries of waiting and over 100 attempts, England have finally managed to win a penalty shoot out at a World Cup. Teeny tiny Jordan Pickford proved to be the hero, as England booked a place in the quarter finals.

    Listen as a tortured Sir Ben and Mike pore over England’s victory in the latest pod below:

  • 2018 Russian World Cup: England spank Panama

    2018 Russian World Cup: England spank Panama

    Ruthless England score a record number of goals as they put six past hapless Panama meaning the World Cup is as good as theirs, Switzerland’s Granit Xhaka & Xherdan Shaqiri land in hot water after their goal celebrations against Serbia and Columbia send Poland packing.

    The EPLpod boys also announce a surprise new sponsor. For all this and more, listen below:

  • 10,000 kids go hungry as Messi refuses to score in World Cup

    10,000 kids go hungry as Messi refuses to score in World Cup

    Having been all but promised their first square meal since the last corporate marketing ploy to come their way, thousands of children were left with rumbling stomachs after Lionel Messi did everything he could to avoid scoring a goal during Argentina’s opening World Cup game against Iceland on Saturday.

    Mastercard, who have vowed to donate 10,000 meals to starving children across Latin America and the Caribbean on the strict condition that either Messi or Brazil’s Neymar score during the tournament have insisted their hands are well and truly tied. The financial conglomerate argued there is nothing they can do if Messi refuses to score and that they couldn’t possibly just give the meals away despite having the financial means to do so as it wouldn’t provide the brand reach executives demand.

    “We really want to feed the children but there is nothing, I repeat nothing we can do if Messi goes out of his way to not score a goal. Did you see his penalty? A malnourished child could have saved that. Our only hope now is that Neymar doesn’t follow Messi’s dreadful example. If that happens then all these hot meals we’ve prepared will have gone to waste and we’ll be left with no choice but to let them rot. And who’s going to tell that to the starving children? Not me,” said a Mastercard spokesperson as he wolfed down a 12inch sub. “The children, and more importantly our branding team, will just have to make do with seeing our corporate tag line ‘priceless’ being positioned on advertising hoardings behind Messi throughout the rest of the World Cup.”

    Messi who at the time of publishing has declined to comment on the story despite Eat My Goal reaching out to him on several occasions, was last seen during a solo training session which involved him purposefully drilling free kicks into a four man wall and skying penalties clean over the crossbar.