Eat My Goal

Tag: Pep Guardiola

  • Mourinho desperately binge watching Man City documentary for coaching tips

    Mourinho desperately binge watching Man City documentary for coaching tips

    Following Manchester United’s surprising defeat to Brighton on Sunday, Jose Mourinho has been repeatedly binge watching the Manchester City documentary All or Nothing in the hope of picking up some coaching tips from rival Pep Guardiola.

    “After binge watching it just minutes after it was released I was disappointed that I didn’t feature in every single episode,” said a disheveled looking Mourinho peering over his lap top. “However, I’ve now watched the entire series from start to finish at least half a dozen times and the thing is just steeped with advice. Pep is such a motivational speaker, that there were moments I was ready to jump out of my seat and start running through walls for him. Most of my motivational techniques have centred around bullying the likes of Luke Shaw and fining Anthony Martial for being at the birth of his child and that doesn’t seemed to have helped team morale.”

    If it is a motivational speaker that Mourinho is after, he may well be better off going to Sports Speakers 360. Maybe he could learn a thing or two from one of their keynote speakers.

    At press time, a reinvigorated Jose Mourinho, sporting a shaven head and black roll neck sweater was heard leading a raucous rendition of Wonderwall with his squad in the United changing room.

  • Pep rages after decision to change official match ball to Shoot 5 floater

    Pep rages after decision to change official match ball to Shoot 5 floater

    Manchester City’s Pep Guardiola was said to be filled with such an uncontrollable amount of rage on Wednesday morning that he was dangerously close to reaching bursting point, after being informed that the official match ball for the remaining rounds of the Carabao Cup will be a Shoot 5 air floater.

    The unprecedented decision to change the match ball mid-competition came after the Spaniard had turned his nose up at the British made Mitre ball used during his sides clash with Wolverhampton at the Etihad, leaving the famed floater as the only other viable option moving forward.

    “The ball is not acceptable to play with at that level. We play with a different ball. It’s not Nike, Adidas I don’t know, it’s a different brand. It’s unacceptable to play with the ball. That ball is not a serious ball for a professional game. All the players complain. I assure you all of them say ‘what is that?’ fumed Guardiola as he effortlessly flicked away a floater slowly drifting over head.

    Such is the feather like weight and unpredictable trajectory of the floater, there are serious fears within the City camp that the ball will wreak havoc with Gaurdiola’s precise passing game. Sources inside the club now concede that any hopes of a continuing run in this years Carabao Cup have been left utterly deflated.

  • Nobody safe from Guardiola’s tactical instructions as ball boy cops an ear full

    Nobody safe from Guardiola’s tactical instructions as ball boy cops an ear full

    An innocent ball boy was the latest casualty in a long list of victims to receive unsolicited tactical advice from Pep Guardiola as Manchester City steamrolled their way to a 5-0 victory over Crystal Palace at the Etihad on Saturday.

    Frustrated by his charges inability to adequately carry out his encyclopaedia sized pre-match tactical monologue, Guardiola instead turned his attention to an unwitting ball boy who was unfortunate enough to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Something – as Guardiola was only too keen to point out – the ball boy would have avoided, had he listened to the managers plans the first time round. A plan which devoted an entire chapter explicitly detailing where one should be and at what time.

    “If you analyse the first 30 minutes of the first half you’d say we’re not ready to be at the top. The ball boys were slow, everybody was slow,” huffed Pep as he prepared to hunker down for a long evening reprimanding all the clubs’ ball boys.

    And it’s not just the ball boys who have been on the end of a withering ‘Pep’ talk. The canteen staff have been inundated with tips such as the virtues of letting the tea leafs “circulate and breathe” sufficiently, while the kit man has been told in no uncertain terms that he needs to add far more depth to the number of shirts in his rotation.

    While some have criticised Guardiola’s overbearing, hands on tactical approach it’s hard to argue with the results: City have now scored 16 goals and conceded none over the course of their last three Premier League games. Something that would never be achieved without the ball boys, kit man and canteen staff all singing from the same Guardiola hymn sheet.

  • Man City 5-0 Liverpool: 5 things you should’ve learned

    Man City 5-0 Liverpool: 5 things you should’ve learned

    In today’s lesson: Be careful signing Arsenal players.

    1. Sadio Mane’s Premier player of the month award for August was not a free pass to decapitate an opposition player.

    2. Two supremely talented strikers can play together after all. Pep Guardiola proves he is a football genius after somehow managing to get Sergio Aguero and Gabriel Jesus to play the same sport, at the same time, together.

    3. Removing Kevin de Bruyne from your fantasy team really wasn’t a good idea. The Belgian now has more assist than any other player since the start of last season.

    4. The only thing more merciless than putting 5 past your opponent is having the gull to bring on Eliaquim Mangala with a good 20 minutes still to play.

    5. Debutant Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain wasted no time in bringing everything he learned about thrashings at Arsenal to his new club.

  • EPLpod: Eden Hazard leads Chelsea past City

    EPLpod: Eden Hazard leads Chelsea past City

    Pep Guardiola’s gets to tastes 6 league defeats in a single season for the first time thanks to the brilliance of Eden Hazard after Chelsea’s 2-1 win at the Bridge over City, Arsenal finally beat a team that isn’t a non-league outfit, Manchester United surprise no one with yet another draw and Spurs leave it late at Swansea to keep their faint title hopes alive.

    Listen to the latest episode of EPLpod below:

  • Chelsea 2-1 Man City: 5 things you should’ve learned

    Chelsea 2-1 Man City: 5 things you should’ve learned

    In today’s lesson: Take one Chelsea hand and calmly place it on the title.

    1. The title race is officially back on as Chelsea lose back to back matches at Stamford Bridge for the first time in 6 years!

    2. Manchester City’s 3rd kit is actually a cheap knock off of Barcelona’s turned inside out.

    3. Pep Guardiola gave unknown player by the name of Fabian Delph his first Premier League start of the season. At this time it’s not known where the player came from, what his preferred position is, or if he’ll ever be seen again.

    4. Claudio Ranieri was spotted in Roman Abramovich’s private box which can only mean Antonio Conte is imminently dilly-ding, dilly-gone.

    Ranieri at Stamford Bridge
    Ranieri plots a coup

    5. Leaving Eden Hazard unmarked in the box is not recommended.

  • Man City 1-1 Liverpool: 5 things we should’ve learned

    Man City 1-1 Liverpool: 5 things we should’ve learned

    1. James Milner proved he not only knows how to convert a penalty after scoring his seventh penalty from seven, but he also knows how to get away with one following his kick on Raheem Sterling’s calf just as the winger was about to connect with the goal at his mercy.

    2. Adam Lallana might possess one of the silkiest touches in the Premier League, but that miss proved sometimes the silk needs to be ditched for the laces.

    3. The only thing more embarrassing than missing an open goal, is prematurely celebrating said miss. Step up Roberto Firmino.

    4. Yaya Toure, whose contract expires in the summer, said he loves the frenetic pace of the Premier League and wants to stay in England. Judging by his huffing and puffing around the Eitad on Sunday and a lazy tackle on Emre Can, China might be more to his pace.

    5. High-fiving Pep Guardiola has either been popping the happy pills or his sarcasm has reached new depths, following his positively ecstatic post-match interview. “This is one of the proudest days of managerial career” beamed Pep. Putting a 1-1 draw with Liverpool above Champions League trophies and Championship titles in both Spain and Germany.

  • Pep and Klopp look like they’re ready to murder someone

    Pep and Klopp look like they’re ready to murder someone

    For the football manager, the Christmas and New Years period is less about being forced to spend time with family, wearing ugly jumpers and recovering from hangovers, and more about squeezing in as many games of football as possible, in what seems like an impossible schedule. An environment that seems purpose built to get managers fretting much like a turkey on the 24th of December.

    After their respective games against Burnley and Sunderland on Monday, Pep Guardiola and Jurgen Klopp gave some extremely tetchy and awkward interviews. Managers tend do a terrible job of covering up their utter contempt for the post-match interview but in both these instances Klopp, and particularly Guardiola, looked like they were ready to pounce on their interrogators.

    It’s hard to recall seeing a more visibly irritated Guardiola during a post-match interview than the one seen in the footage below following Manchester City’s 2-1 win over Burnley.


    Pep’s anger seemed to stem from the questioning around Fernandinho’s indiscipline having been sent off for a third time in six games, and then climaxed when the interviewer claimed he didn’t look happy even though his team had one. “More than you believe, I am happy. I’m so happy” sniffed Pep, before adding pretty much the most resentful sounding happy new year message, and ducking out of the interview.

    Not to be outdone, the normally smiley Klopp laid on the sarcasm extra thick when he had to explain for a second time his thoughts on Sunderland’s awarding of a second penalty during Liverpool’s 2-2 draw at the Stadium of light.

    Interviewers, consider yourselves on notice until Klopp and Pep have had chance to simmer down a little. Probably around the time the supply of left over turkey sandwiches has been exhausted.

  • EPLpod: Barcelona taken apart by former puppet master Pep

    EPLpod: Barcelona taken apart by former puppet master Pep

    Back fresh from their escapades in Australia, Mike and Paul of EPLpod discuss the latest round of Champions League football.

    Manchester City come of age after finally getting one over Barcelona, Arsenal come from behind against Ludogorets thanks to some brilliance from Mesut Ozil and Leicester edge close to qualification.

    Listen to the latest EPLpod episode below:

  • EPLpod: Pep Guardiola hates the internet!

    EPLpod: Pep Guardiola hates the internet!

    The guys from EPLpod discuss control freak Pep Guardiola who has banned Wifi from Manchester City’s training ground, England’s drab win over minnows Malta and Mike gives his book a plug.

    Listen to the latest episode right here: