Petition to ban fans from making any more embarrassing petitions hits record

An online petition calling for fans to be banned from making any more embarrassing petitions involving the teams or players they support received a record number of signatures during the very first few seconds of going live.

The petition which was created on by veteran campaigner Bernard Branston early Monday morning, came as a direct response to the latest idiotic petition that was launched 24 hours earlier demanding UEFA “punish Sergio Ramos for intentionally hurting Mohamed Salah.”

“Enough is enough” fumed Branston when asked about his motivations for starting the petition. “When I first joined and began campaigning I was overwhelmed by the sense of smugness the platform gave me every time someone could be arsed enough to fill out their name and email for one of my many worthy causes. But now the platform is steadily being taken over by self pitying football fans, and instead of being used for making worthwhile changes to our society, we’ve got some crybaby having a tantrum because his favourite footballer suffered an injury.”

At the time of writing the number of signatures on the petition was already well in to the millions and climbing at an extraordinary rate of 1,000 per minute. The hope now is that the government will no longer be able to ignore the crisis and will debate the petition in parliament.