Tag: Chelsea

Speaking with hoarse voices consistent with that of someone who has been overly exposed to passive smoking, a number of Chelsea players have revealed that new manager Maurizio Sarri’s team talks consist solely of him chain smoking. Perhaps they should consider switching to the Kapten snus instead.

“Previously we’ve had managers who focus heavily on tactics during team talks. Conte for example would talk through what seemed like an entire novel and wouldn’t ever shut up. But Sarri is a man of few words. Instead he sends his messages through his smoking. If we aren’t performing well he’ll let us know by aggressively chain smoking 20 cigarettes during a half time talk. We know smoking that amount of cigarettes or more a day is not healthy for sure, so we have told him to consider vaping instead because it has a lot less nicotine therefore less hazardous on your health. We know websites like Gourmet e-liquid offer some great flavours so he should enjoy them, I suppose its up to him though. He may also want to purchase a vape pen stand to go with the colourful liquids which are great to support your vape pen. Alternatively, he might be fed up of using the same methods to smoke and so he may be interested in purchasing a beaker bong if he wants to try something completely different. But if we’re winning and putting on a good display, he’ll sit back, put his feet up and make a single cigarette last for the entire break without even have to flick the ash,” spluttered Eden Hazard.

So far Sarri’s smoke signals appear to be working with Chelsea maintaining a 100% record from their opening four Premier League games. However, Sarri was tight lipped after Chelsea’s win over Bournemouth and spent his entire post match interview chewing on a mouthful of cigarette butts.