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Mike and Paul can hardly contain themselves as they chat about the truly inspiring appointment of David Moyes at West Ham, and peer into Manchester City’s balance sheet which isn’t looking as rosy as you might imagine.
As an extra special treat, the chappies also talk to super agent Jon Smith who once had the burden of representing Diego Maradona.
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David Moyes has wasted no time in bringing the already low expectations of West Ham fans to even lower depths, after insisting that the club were as good as down during his official unveiling as the new Hammers boss on Tuesday morning.
West Ham sacked Slaven Bilic after a shambolic 4-1 home defeat to Liverpool over the weekend and had hoped appointing Moyes would be enough to rescue the club from a relegation scrap. However, those hopes were dashed within minutes when the gloomy Scotsmen made it clear that it would be pointless fighting to stay in the Premier League and that now was the time to start preparing for life in the Championship or possibly worse.
“When there are only a mere 26 league games remaining in the season and we’re sitting a daunting 1 point from safety, then we’re as good as down,” shrugged a stoney faced Moyes as he sucked what little fan fare there was around his appointment clean from the room.
“I don’t think you can hide from the cold hard facts that West Ham are doomed, and the sooner fans come around to that negative way of thinking the better. We all need to be pulling in the same direction, and that direction is to the foot of the table.”
“Some fans will be hoping for a dramatic change in the clubs fortune, but as the new manager with just 3/4 of the season left and a January transfer window ahead what could I possibly do? We have to be realistic,” added Moyes.
A seemingly unstoppable Manchester City look to have the title sewn up before Christmas as they brush aside another so-called rival in Arsenal with relative ease, Chelsea punish a lackluster Manchester United and Everton produce an epic comeback against Watford.
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The chaps takes in the Champions League action which saw Spurs hand double reigning Champs Real Madrid their heaviest defeat in the competition since Liverpool spanked them 4-0 at Anfield in 2008. Surely the suits at Real can’t be considering the chop for Zidane after two defeats inside a week? Well, of course they can because this is Real we’re talking about.
Elsewhere, the rest of the Premier League picked up wins a remain atop of their respective groups, apart from Chelsea who forgot how to defend during their 3-0 defeat in Rome.
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A stingy Sunday League player by the name of Willy Evapay, has finally agreed to cough up and start paying his subs money after using up every possible excuse in the book it has emerged.
The news which has left his manager stunned revealed the players’ debt, which stretches back several years, would be enough to cover a brand new club kit and post-match chippy butties for the entire squad for the remainder of the season.
Evapay’s shameless excuses had ranged from the tried and tested, “I’ll bring it next week, I promise” and “I’ll pay you when we get to the pub,” to the more creative “Didn’t you get my etransfer?” However, the striker who was only allowed to continue playing for the club due to his prolific goal scoring, admitted now was the time that he would start paying his way.
“There’s only so many times you can claim that you don’t have the right change, or that you’ve left your wallet in your car, before your gaffer starts putting you on the bench and your teammates stop passing to you,” sighed a disgruntled Evapay as he thumbed his way through a fresh wad of cash.
When pressed on how he was now able to pay his subs, an austere Evapay insisted the extra cash flow was down to personal financial sacrifices he was willing to make for the team, and had nothing to do with his winning accumulator that came in the previous weekend.
Mike and Paul from EPLpod dive in two footed to the weekend’s Premier League matches, which saw Manchester United put in yet another riveting display as they thundered past Spurs 1-0, Arsenal threatened to balls it up against Swansea before coming from a goal behind to snatch all three points, while Troy Deeney picked on poor old little Joe Allen.
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Ryan Giggs has today declared his interest in the World Health Organisation’s (W.H.O.) vacant Goodwill Ambassador role, now that the offer to Robert Mugabe has been rescinded, according to sources close to the player.
Mugabe, the long-serving Zimbabwean President and all-round despot, was initially offered the role by the U.N.-affiliated organisation but this was later withdrawn due to public bafflement and outrage.
Giggs, 43, is a former Manchester United player and interim manager and now an occasional football pundit on Sky Sports. He has been linked (by himself) to numerous vacant managerial positions in the Premier League recently, including Leicester and Everton. Giggs’ managerial career currently comprises of 4 games at the tail-end of the 2013-14 season, taking over after the disastrous reign of David Moyes was cut short.
According to this source, Giggs has prepared a PowerPoint presentation utilising snazzy effects such as text ‘swooshing’ in from the side and an image that links to a viral video on YouTube when clicked. The presentation is also believed to highlight the development of James Wilson under Giggs’ tutelage during the 4 games he took charge.
Giggs is said to be confident that this will be enough to secure this prominent role within the coordinating authority for the U.N.’s health system, should he decide to turn down both the Leicester and Everton roles, or any other offers he is sure to receive.
Manchester City’s Pep Guardiola was said to be filled with such an uncontrollable amount of rage on Wednesday morning that he was dangerously close to reaching bursting point, after being informed that the official match ball for the remaining rounds of the Carabao Cup will be a Shoot 5 air floater.
The unprecedented decision to change the match ball mid-competition came after the Spaniard had turned his nose up at the British made Mitre ball used during his sides clash with Wolverhampton at the Etihad, leaving the famed floater as the only other viable option moving forward.
“The ball is not acceptable to play with at that level. We play with a different ball. It’s not Nike, Adidas I don’t know, it’s a different brand. It’s unacceptable to play with the ball. That ball is not a serious ball for a professional game. All the players complain. I assure you all of them say ‘what is that?’ fumed Guardiola as he effortlessly flicked away a floater slowly drifting over head.
Such is the feather like weight and unpredictable trajectory of the floater, there are serious fears within the City camp that the ball will wreak havoc with Gaurdiola’s precise passing game. Sources inside the club now concede that any hopes of a continuing run in this years Carabao Cup have been left utterly deflated.
The chaps take in an action packed weekend of Premier League football, as Everton send Ronald Koeman packing following defeat to Arsenal, Chelsea come from behind against Watford, Spurs humilate Liverpool’s Dejan Lovren and Manchester United suffer a surprise defeat to Huddersfield.
Elsewhere, Sir Ben makes a surprise return to the pod after unearthing some incriminating evidence on Mike and Paul.
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The Everton fan who has been given a life ban for attacking a Lyon player while holding his child, has proudly stated his son is now ready to walk in his footsteps and continue a long standing tradition of hooliganism passed down through each of his families generations.
The incident occurred as Ashley Williams sparked a mass brawl during Everton’s 2-1 Europa League defeat to Lyon at Goodison on Thursday evening, prompting the enraged Everton fan to take his son “into battle,” given the young scrapper the kind of close up, first hand experience other prospects can only dream of.
“Every father knows when it’s time to pass on the baton, and I just wanted to give my son the very best chance of following on in my success,” said the beaming hooligan as he wiped away a tear of pride. “The life time ban is a small price to pay, knowing my boy was given such a valuable and intimate experience,” he added.
The unhinged father went on to insist that despite his son still being a minor, he had every confidence his budding hooligan would fulfil his undoubted potential.
While Everton are normally known for their academy products on the field, not in the stands, there is a real sense this one might go all the way after being exposed to hooliganism at such a tender age.