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Arsene Wenger keeps the angry masses guessing about his future while his team forget how to defend corners, Manchester United finally vacate 6th spot and promptly take up residence in 5th, Pep Guardiola is the happiest man alive after drawing with Liverpool, and Chelsea keep doing what Chelsea do.
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Marcos Rojo was forced into hurriedly eating a banana during Manchester United’s 1-0 win over Rostov on Thursday night, after meal time was scrapped in a desperate bid to save time in United’s bloated fixture schedule.
Stomachs weren’t the only thing heard grumbling in the corridors at Old Trafford, as Jose Mourinho bemoaned a crowded fixture schedule which leaves his side with a paltry 72 hours to prepare for their game against Middlesbrough on Sunday.
“We now have to play Middlesbrough at 12 o’clock on Sunday. Why? It should be Monday night, or at least the last game on Sunday. Every other country gives its support to teams playing in Europe but I don’t think the Premier League gives a ‘S’” spluttered Mourinho as he wolfed down a corned beef sandwich.
United have played 41 competitive matches so far this season, more than any other Premier League club, forcing Mourinho to save precious time wherever he can, starting with the eating on the go solution speared headed by Rojo.
With United kicking off at 12 o’clock on Sunday at the Riverside, it’s fair to say that a Sunday Roast including veg and potatoes, mounds of stuffing, gravy boats and Apple Crumble to wash it all down are completely out of the question.
Best video on the Internet ? pic.twitter.com/OpuYaUN8rf
— ㅤㅤ (@RojoEatBanana) 17 March 2017
A Pep Guardiola managed team fails to reach the quarter-finals of the Champions for the first time ever, as Monaco’s young upstarts make light work of Manchester City, Michael Oliver pours cold water on Chelsea’s FA Cup clash with Manchester United and Paul’s tardiness is cause for concern in the EPLpod studios.
Listen to the latest episode of EPLpod below:
Leicester City are into the quarter-finals of the Champions League after beating Sevilla 2-0 at the King Power on Tuesday, but that news was of little comfort to Jamie Vardy who was instead punching himself in the face in the hope of finally delivering a knock out blow.
At this point it’s not known what will deter Vardy from repeatedly punching himself in the face. A Premier League winners medal, a spot in the quarter-final of the Champions League, and even getting Claudio Ranieri the sack have all failed so far to control Vardy’s self harming.
Perhaps, if Vardy really does want to experience a solid black-out and concussion, he should take Samir Nasri’s lead and aim for the forehead instead. Nasri delivered the faintest of head butts on Vardy – which subsequently saw the Frenchmen sent off – but the contact was almost enough to send Vardy sprawling to the canvas. The knees were definitely wobbling.
Which ever method he continues with, there is no doubt that at some point Jamie Vardy is going to knock Jamie Vardy out.
Vardy's at it again ?
— Match Photography (@MatchPhotos) 14 March 2017
1. Mourinho v Conte the big fight, would end in the first round with Mourinho hanging over the ropes.
2. N’golo Kante was three times cheaper than Paul Pogba but is at least three times better than his French compatriot.
3. David de Gea is too good for a team that only has aspirations for 6th position in the Premier League.
4. Michael Oliver can kill off a tie quicker than a referee can down a shot of tequila on a referees-only stag do.
5. Antonio Conte has a long old way to go before he can proudly claim to be “Judas No.1”. To usurp the current holder, Jose Mourinho, of that acclaimed title he’ll need to win the Premier League title four times, get himself sacked twice and leave the club out of Europe, before joining a fierce rival.
There is only enough room for one pundit named Jamie on Sky Sports, and it became clear on Sunday that Jamie Redknapp is a dead man walking after he made the fatal error of interrupting Jamie Carragher mid rant.
Speaking after Liverpool’s 2-1 win over Burnley at Anfield, Carragher was eagerly approaching the climax of a point he was trying to make when Redknapp cut in leaving his fellow pundit with only one option: Plotting his former team-mates demise in the most painful way possible.
Previously, Thierry Henry had appeared to be on Carragher’s hit list after the Frenchmen’s effort to console Carragher following the sacking of Brendan Rodgers fell flat.
Now however, judging by the footage below, Jamie Redknapp has moved to the top of that list.
Here it is. Carragher ready to kill Redknapp. pic.twitter.com/d9xp5KYfCi
— Tony Hodson (@tonyhodson1) 12 March 2017
The diving epidemic, which has plagued football for many, many years reached new lows during Hearts 4-0 win over Hamilton on Saturday.
With his team already 3-0 goals to the good, the perpetrator stretched for a ball he had no right going for in the first place, and then proceeded to go down in installments, before getting a helping hand from a team-mate. A shameful passage of play which completely conned the referee.
This is surely yet more evidence calling for video replays to be introduced to finally stamp out diving.
Watch the disgrace dive in the shocking footage below.
Outrageous dive at Tynecastle this afternoon… pic.twitter.com/1EpErs1kGN
— Heart of Midlothian (@JamTarts) 11 March 2017
In what could prove to be a decisive turning point of the Wenger debate, Wenger out campaigners, Wexiteers, have taken to the streets to loudly shove their message down the throats of anybody unfortunate to be passing by.
Previously, Wexiteers had been content with moaning on fan Youtube channels, but a rabble of disillusioned Weixteers marched ahead of Arsenal’s FA Cup quarter final against Lincoln, armed with protest banners demanding they “take back control” of their club.
“It’s never your fault, it’s never your fault, Arsene Wenger, it’s never your fault” mocked Wexiteers as they made the strenuous walk from the pub to the ground. Though, realising Wenger might mistakenly see that as support, the Wexiteers promptly switched to the less subtle “We want Wenger out” chant.
In the Wemainers campaign, which has almost been completely silent, there is now a genuine sense of fear that their message – stronger, safer and better off with Wenger – is being drowned out by the vociferous Wexiteers.
Supporters from both campaigns will have to wait until the summer to see if there will be a Wenger exit. The divisive debate that has gripped the club will likely come down to one key issue: Will Arsenal continue to have access to Europe?
Watch the Wexiteers protest in the below videos.
There is a banner that says 'Wexit'. This is not a drill. pic.twitter.com/WLpWox21e6
— Andy Ha (@_AndyHa) 11 March 2017
Arsenal protest #arsenal #wenger #wengerout pic.twitter.com/iZZGRletjo
— Dan Gallagher (@slevinupyoholla) 11 March 2017
Dimitri Payet has revealed that when a post won the man of the match award instead of him during West Ham’s 1-0 win over Hull back in December, it was the final straw and he knew it was time to pack his bags.
Previously the Frenchmen had cited family problems, and then later, boredom as the reason he wanted to leave the Hammers and rejoin his previous club Marseille, but those lies can now be well and truly be put to bed as Payet’s raging woodwork envy has come to light.
“Against Hull, we won 1-0 and they hit the post four times, In the changing room everyone was happy, but the the man of the match that day was the post,” fumed a jealous Payet.
It’s not the first time Payet has shown animosity towards white tube shaped objects, one only needs to look at the completely unprovoked two footed tackle he made on a corner flag at last summers Euro.
Understandably, Payet’s admission already has both sets of post at the Stade Velodrome looking nervous, and are said to now be considering that their futures may lie away from Marseille.
PSG go one better than Arsenal after squandering 4 goal lead in an historic night at the Camp Nou, Manchester United prepare to play on a pitch harder than concrete in Russia and Manchester City draw a blank against Stoke.
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