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EPLpod: Manchester City comeback keeps quadruple alive
With the help of some suspect officiating, greedy Manchester City kept their hopes of securing a quadruple alive after coming from behind to defeat a plucky Swansea City in the FA Cup, Liverpool cling on to the title race with a narrow win over Fulham and James Maddison gets booked for paying homepage to a cancer victim.
Listen to all this guff and a whole lot more in the latest episode of EPLpod below:
Brendan Rodgers begins first Leicester training session by slowly licking stack of envelopes
Staring deeply into the eyes of each and every Leicester City player, new manager Brendan Rodgers began his first training session on Thursday morning by licking a stack of white envelopes.
The unorthodox approach to Rodgers’ first session took place in a dimly lit conference room with the players forced to watch in silence as he slowly made his way through the envelopes.
“For me, there is no better way to judge a players character than to look him dead in the eye while carefully and slowly running your tongue along the adhesive edge of an unsealed white envelope,” said Rodgers who believes the exercise was instrumental in his squad building while at Liverpool and in no way precipitated an ill-fated title bid.
“One, maybe even two of these players will know there name is going to end up inside one of the envelopes and now I’ve looked them in the eye, I know who. It’s a natural instinct only us world class managers possess. It’s not something I’ve learnt, and it’s not something I can teach. You just know.”
Rodgers revealed that his next training session would consist solely of the squad starring up at a 10ft tall self portrait for two hours. He confirmed that only after this point would the Rodgers philosophy be fully absorbed by the squad and work could then finally begin with the ball.
“The boy must learn to respect me” says Kepa after demoting Sarri to reserves
In a cruel display of ruthlessness, Chelsea dictator Kepa Arrizabalaga has quashed a potential leadership challenge after banishing Maurizio Sarri to coach the reserves indefinitely.
The announcement was made via the club’s tightly controlled TV channel on Monday morning, following Sarri’s audacious public defiance of Kepa’s authority during Chelsea’s defeat to Manchester City in the Carabao Cup final on the weekend.
“To maintain an iron grip on power and remain in full control of the dressing room as I have done, any acts of insubordination will be met with swift punishment. To that end, my underling Maurizio Sarri has been demoted to the reserves until the boy can learn to respect my absolute power,” said a stoney faced Kepa dressed in full military fatigues.
“During the final Sarri had the nerve to try and substitute me, acting as if he had some sort of say on proceedings. Who the hell does he think he is? It’s incredible that he would make such a power grab, and to so in public is almost unforgivable. I mean honestly, does he not know who I am, and the power I command? And don’t even get me started on the club doctor, he’ll have more than just a bit of cramp to worry about by the time I’m finished with him.”
Since the announcement was made, Sarri has not been seen publicly which has been described as deeply troubling by human rights observers.
EPLpod: Kepa Leads Chelsea Mutiny
Fresh from winning best sports podcast in all of Canada, the EPLpod boyz chat about Kepa Arrizabalaga’s power move on “manager” Maurizio Sarri during the League Cup final, Manchester United and Liverpool boring everyone to tears and Leicester running out of patience with Claude Puel.
Listen to the latest episode of the award winning EPLpod below:
Why has it all gone so horribly wrong for Sarri? There can only be one possible answer
The EPLpod boys discuss Chelsea manager Maurizio Sarri’s future after he is left reaching for something a little stronger than cigarettes following his side’s humiliating 6-0 defeat to Manchester City at the Etihad. Elsewhere, the Premier League’s big guns pick up big wins, while Cardiff see off Saints late into injury time.
Listen to the latest episode of EPLpod below.
Sarri team talks consist of nothing but him chain smoking
Speaking with hoarse voices consistent with that of someone who has been overly exposed to passive smoking, a number of Chelsea players have revealed that new manager Maurizio Sarri’s team talks consist solely of him chain smoking. Perhaps they should consider switching to the Kapten snus instead.
“Previously we’ve had managers who focus heavily on tactics during team talks. Conte for example would talk through what seemed like an entire novel and wouldn’t ever shut up. But Sarri is a man of few words. Instead he sends his messages through his smoking. If we aren’t performing well he’ll let us know by aggressively chain smoking 20 cigarettes during a half time talk. We know smoking that amount of cigarettes or more a day is not healthy for sure, so we have told him to consider vaping instead because it has a lot less nicotine therefore less hazardous on your health. We know websites like Gourmet e-liquid offer some great flavours so he should enjoy them, I suppose its up to him though. He may also want to purchase a vape pen stand to go with the colourful liquids which are great to support your vape pen. Alternatively, he might be fed up of using the same methods to smoke and so he may be interested in purchasing a beaker bong if he wants to try something completely different. But if we’re winning and putting on a good display, he’ll sit back, put his feet up and make a single cigarette last for the entire break without even have to flick the ash,” spluttered Eden Hazard.
So far Sarri’s smoke signals appear to be working with Chelsea maintaining a 100% record from their opening four Premier League games. However, Sarri was tight lipped after Chelsea’s win over Bournemouth and spent his entire post match interview chewing on a mouthful of cigarette butts.
Man United fans already queuing for post-defeat selfies with Ronaldo
Upon hearing that Manchester United will be hosting Juventus’ Cristiano Ronaldo in the group stage of the Champions League, eager fans have already started to form a long queue outside of Old Trafford in frenzied anticipation of a post-defeat selfie with the forward.
“As soon as I saw the news that we could potentially get a selfie with Ronnie after he’s given us a right good hiding, I bolted out the front door and headed straight for Old Trafford,” said local United fan Billy Roundtree, adding that despite there already being roughly 100 United fans ahead of him in the queue that he was in it for the long haul.
“I’ve looked at some of the competition around me and I don’t think they’ve got it in them to go the distance. Once the sun goes down and the temperature drops it’ll soon thin the herd. I’ve told the missus to bring over the camping gear and a thermos of bovril. Come morning time we’ll see who really wants it. It’s easy enough getting selfies with the likes of Lucas Moura after a defeat, but I’m not missing out on the chance to grin next to a triumphant Ronnie, especially if he’s just knocked us out.”
At the time of publishing, the queue outside Old Trafford had extended right the way down Sir Matt Busby Way and showed no sign of stopping despite the lengthy wait.
Mourinho desperately binge watching Man City documentary for coaching tips
Following Manchester United’s surprising defeat to Brighton on Sunday, Jose Mourinho has been repeatedly binge watching the Manchester City documentary All or Nothing in the hope of picking up some coaching tips from rival Pep Guardiola.
“After binge watching it just minutes after it was released I was disappointed that I didn’t feature in every single episode,” said a disheveled looking Mourinho peering over his lap top. “However, I’ve now watched the entire series from start to finish at least half a dozen times and the thing is just steeped with advice. Pep is such a motivational speaker, that there were moments I was ready to jump out of my seat and start running through walls for him. Most of my motivational techniques have centred around bullying the likes of Luke Shaw and fining Anthony Martial for being at the birth of his child and that doesn’t seemed to have helped team morale.”
If it is a motivational speaker that Mourinho is after, he may well be better off going to Sports Speakers 360. Maybe he could learn a thing or two from one of their keynote speakers.
At press time, a reinvigorated Jose Mourinho, sporting a shaven head and black roll neck sweater was heard leading a raucous rendition of Wonderwall with his squad in the United changing room.
Kane injured for season after poking eye out doing Alli celebration
Harry Kane is expected to miss the entire season after his attempts to try and do the Dele Alli goal celebration went horribly wrong, resulting in his eye popping out of its socket during Spurs training on Thursday morning.
“I don’t know how I made such a mess of it if I’m honest. In the past I’ve mastered elaborate handshake celebrations with Dele no problem but on this occasion I’ve really misjudged it and I’ve ended up looking like Captain Hook,” said Kane who faces months in rehabilitation learning how to wink again.
“I might have almost lost sight in one eye, but if it brings an end to the stupid craze spreading across social media then it will be a small price to pay.”
In the wake of the injury, manager Mauricio Pochettino has warned Fernando Llorente should he try and do the celebration at any time he will be immediately handcuffed for his own safety. Otherwise the Spurs manager could face the grim prospect of having to play Vincent Jansen up front.
EPLpod: Climactic Klopp lubes his way to victory
Liverpool’s thrashing of West Ham has Jurgen Klopp reaching for the lube, a ‘gagged’ Paul Pogba seems to have fallen out with Jose Mourinho and Arsenal look like they are still being managed by Arsene Wenger.
Listen to the latest episode of EPLpod below. And if you fancy buying the EPLpod boyz a coffee, you can do so here.
Emery out airplane banner fuelled up and ready to go says pilot
In anticipation to Arsenal fans quickly turning on their new manager Unai Emery, airplane banner operator Ted Spruce already has an #EmeryOut banner prepared and attached to his fully fuelled Cessna Skyhawk.
“As soon as I heard the news that Unai Emery was going to be the man to take over from Arsenal Wenger, I immediately started making an ‘Emery out’ banner and an ‘In Emery we trust’ backup, just to cover my bases. There are only a handful of pilots willing to waste the hours of learning it takes to fly on pointlessly unfurling football fan messages above stadiums, but I can tell you the competition is fierce amongst us. That’s why I wasted no time in readying the Emery banners. Now when I get the call from an Arsenal fan sobbing down the phone I’ll be able to have my plane in the air within minutes leaving my sorry competitors grounded,” boasted Spruce who went on to say that his phone had been ringing off the hook with inquiries after Arsenal’s inevitable defeat to Manchester City in the Gunners’ opening game of the new Premier League season.
“All of the calls have asked the same thing so far: ‘how quickly can you get an Emery out banner in the sky?’ Their moods are immediately lifted when I tell them I’m sat on the runway with the banner in wait.”
Bruce confirmed that such has been the demand that he’s been able to more than double his price and that he’s on standby to fly over Stamford Bridge with an Emery out banner for Arsenal’s imminent defeat to rivals Chelsea on the Weekend.
The Eat My Goal Premier League predictions to bet your house on*
You’ve heard what the all expert pundits have to say but now it’s time to get serious. Here are the essential Eat My Goal Premier League predictions that only a fool would choose to ignore. If you choose to act upon these solid predictions, you might want to check out the various online games where you can place an exciting wager and potentially see a return if you back the winning team.
Champions
Liverpool have had the strongest transfer window, have spent the most money, and finally have a world class keeper, while optimism is soaring that it’s finally going to be their year. All of which can only mean it will of course be Manchester City lifting the trophy in May, perhaps by a slightly tighter margin than last seasons 19 points.
The Top Four
Irrelevant. Once Brexit bites, qualifying for the Champions League will be a pointless endeavour when half your team is sat in an immigration office for 12 months grovelling for a work permit.
Dark Horse
Black Beauty
Golden Boot
Xherdan Shaqiri. Have you not seen the mans thighs? As is well known, there is a direct and indisputable correlation between thigh girth and goal scoring ability.
The Sack Race
Mark Hughes. Having narrowly missed out on getting two teams relegated in the same season last time round, Sparky will be looking to go one better this term, and getting the first sacking under his belt before anyone else will put him firmly on course. Hughes will be closely followed by Jose Mourinho who will then triumphantly proclaim coming 2nd in the sack race is one of his greatest career achievements.
Relegated
Spurs will occupy all three relegation spots having refused to spend a single penny during the summer transfer window. The Premier League is not a competition to see who can can accumulate the most points. Rather, it’s to see who can stuff the most wads of cash into agents pockets, and any team that refuses to join in shall be shunned from the Premier League club, even if they come to their senses in January.
*Definitely don’t bet your house on any of the above predictions.