Eat My Goal

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  • Ross Barkley celebrates win over Leicester with punch to the face

    Ross Barkley celebrates win over Leicester with punch to the face

    Ross Barkley celebrated Everton’s 4-2 win over Premier League champions Leicester by getting knocked out by a stranger in a Liverpool bar on Sunday evening.

    Following a long line of tradition of getting mixed up in a bar fracas which includes such local contemporaries as Joey Barton and Steven Gerrard, Barkley initially appeared to have missed his opportunity but after whispering in the strangers ear was soon sent sprawling to the canvas.

    As is customary with this type of incident, proceedings will now be handled exclusively by lawyers and social media accounts speculating on what Barkley could have possibly said to his assailant.

    Barkley, who’s contract at Goodison expires next summer has been urged to sign a new deal by manager Ronald Koeman. If he does sign on the dotted line, it’s presumed that he’ll celebrate with a concussion induced Champagne bottle to the head.

    CCTV footage of Barkley’s celebration knock out can be seen below.

  • EPLpod: Chelsea march on as chasing pack all pick up wins

    EPLpod: Chelsea march on as chasing pack all pick up wins

    Mike and Paul from EPLpod take in an action packed weekend of Premier League football with the top five clubs flexing their muscles, all picking up wins.

    Chelsea’s unwavering march to towards the title continues after another routine win against Bournemouth, Manchester City bounce back from a run of poor form at Hull’s expense, Manchester United breeze past hapless Sunderland, while both Everton and Liverpool come from behind to pick up maximum points.

    The EPLpod Boyz also take some calls from some surprise high profile listeners, but has one caller plotted their demise? Listen to the latest episode of EPLpod below to find out:

  • Craig Shakespeare’s days numbered as 100% record ends

    Craig Shakespeare’s days numbered as 100% record ends

    Craig Shakespeare’s time in charge of Leicester City looks to be coming to an abrupt and premature end after his winning streak of games was halted following a 4-2 loss to Everton at Goodison Park on Sunday.

    In an action packed first half of football Shakespeare’s side had taken a 2-1 lead after just 10 minutes but any hopes of the managers survival were soon crushed as Everton turned the tie with goals from Romelu Lukaku and Phil Jagielka.

    “We came up against a potent threat in Everton. They have some very good players but two set plays was the most disappointing thing. They have won the game on that,” snorted a defiant Shakespeare, apparently unaware that failing to equal Pep Guardiola and Carlo Ancelotti’s record of winning their first six Premier League games would lead to a severe consequence.

    At this time it’s not known exactly when the axe will fall on Shakespeare, and while Kasper Schmeichel remains tight-lipped there is some belief it could happen in time for him to join ol’ pal Claudio Ranieri on Monday Night Football.

  • OFFICIAL: Liverpool’s top 4 chase over as Mane ruled out for rest of season

    OFFICIAL: Liverpool’s top 4 chase over as Mane ruled out for rest of season

    Jurgen Klopp was coming to terms with the fact that Liverpool’s hunt for a top four finish is well and truly over after it was revealed on Thursday that Sadio Mane will be sidelined for the rest of the season following a knee injury.

    Liverpool’s woeful form without Mane in the side has forced Klopp to face the grim reality that it’s time to pack up and begin insisting there is ‘always next season’. On the 9 occasions Liverpool have been unable to select Mane, they have won just once – a victory against League Two side Plymouth. In their four Premier League games without Mane they’ve drawn two and lost two.

    “I am pretty sure Sadio will need surgery but I am not 100% sure when it will happen, but then it is clear ‘season over’,” sniffed an inconsolable Klopp as he wiped tears from his eyes.
    “He will get a longer break and will be ready for next season. That is the only good news.”

    Just in case there were any lingering signs of optimism at Anfield, in-form Philippe Coutinho phoned in sick and will likely miss Liverpool’s trip to Stoke on the weekend.

  • Arsene Wenger feels fantasy managers pain after forgetting about his captains

    Arsene Wenger feels fantasy managers pain after forgetting about his captains

    Arsene Wenger experienced every fantasy football managers nightmare last week after failing to name a captain during the 2nd half of Arsenal’s game against Manchester City, following an injury to stand in captain Laurent Koscielny. It sounds like he should have gone onto DraftKings to forget his worries.

    Like many a fantasy manager before him, Wenger did not become aware of the blunder until long after the final whistle had sounded. An error which is likely to provide more ammunition for Wexiteers.

    When Wenger was asked who Arsenal’s captain was after Laurent Koscielny had left the field at half time, a look of horror flashed across the Frenchmen’s face as the realisation that he had completely forgot about a vice captain suddenly sunk in.

    “No, it is a good question. Nobody asked me who is captain,” he said, conveniently deflecting responsibility while giving a fixed stare in the direction of his assistant Steve Bould.

    The Premier League’s fine for failing to identify the teams captain is £300, doubling to £600 for a second breach and doubling again to £1200 if a team somehow manages a hat-trick of cock-ups. Though Arsenal will avoid the £300 fine this time, the clubs notoriously stingy money man were in a state of panic at the prospect of having to hand out anything other than dividends to their stake holders.

    For his part, Wenger made sure not to repeat the error again during Arsenal’s 3-0 win over West Ham on Wednesday, naming Theo Walcott as captain along with 10 vice captains.

  • EPLpod: Eden Hazard leads Chelsea past City

    EPLpod: Eden Hazard leads Chelsea past City

    Pep Guardiola’s gets to tastes 6 league defeats in a single season for the first time thanks to the brilliance of Eden Hazard after Chelsea’s 2-1 win at the Bridge over City, Arsenal finally beat a team that isn’t a non-league outfit, Manchester United surprise no one with yet another draw and Spurs leave it late at Swansea to keep their faint title hopes alive.

    Listen to the latest episode of EPLpod below:

  • Chelsea 2-1 Man City: 5 things you should’ve learned

    Chelsea 2-1 Man City: 5 things you should’ve learned

    In today’s lesson: Take one Chelsea hand and calmly place it on the title.

    1. The title race is officially back on as Chelsea lose back to back matches at Stamford Bridge for the first time in 6 years!

    2. Manchester City’s 3rd kit is actually a cheap knock off of Barcelona’s turned inside out.

    3. Pep Guardiola gave unknown player by the name of Fabian Delph his first Premier League start of the season. At this time it’s not known where the player came from, what his preferred position is, or if he’ll ever be seen again.

    4. Claudio Ranieri was spotted in Roman Abramovich’s private box which can only mean Antonio Conte is imminently dilly-ding, dilly-gone.

    Ranieri at Stamford Bridge
    Ranieri plots a coup

    5. Leaving Eden Hazard unmarked in the box is not recommended.

  • OFFICIAL: Women just as likely as men to receive a slap from David Moyes

    OFFICIAL: Women just as likely as men to receive a slap from David Moyes

    David Moyes threatens female reporter
    Equality advocate David Moyes has confirmed when it comes to dishing out physical abuse he’s ready to put women on a level footing with men after being caught on camera threatening to slap a female reporter.

    Speaking after Sunderland’s 0-0 draw against Burnley in March, Moyes offered to truly welcome BBC reporter Vicki Sparks into the sexist, male dominated football industry by treating her like one of the boys.

    “Just getting a wee bit naughty at the end there so just watch yourself, you still might get a slap even though you’re a woman,” cautioned a hopeful Moyes, before adding Sparks should be careful the next time she comes in to interview him.

    If and when Moyes gets the sack from bottom of the table Sunderland he has been advised to seek a job either in 1930’s Britain or where ever Richard Keys and Andy Gray ended up.

    A clip of Moyes’ creepy threat can be seen below.

  • EPLpod: Spurs close gap as Chelsea wobble

    EPLpod: Spurs close gap as Chelsea wobble

    Liverpool give Ronald Koeman’s Everton youngsters a lesson in the Merseyside derby, Arsenal and Manchester City share the spoils at the Emirates, and has Crystal Palace’s shock will at Chelsea put a dent in their title challenge?

    Elsewhere, in the most important fixture of the weekend, Mike and Paul go head to head in a rap battle!

    Listen to the latest episode of EPLpod below:

  • Liverpool 3-1 Everton: 5 things you should’ve learned

    Liverpool 3-1 Everton: 5 things you should’ve learned

    Today’s lesson: You’ll win nothing with kids.

    1. Ronald Koeman mistakenly thinks he’s in charge of the Everton youth team, after starting four players all under 22 years of age, including the surprise inclusion of Mathew Pennington.

    2. Joel Robles forgets his angles after twice being beaten with some questionable positioning. First Mane’s acute effort wrong foots Robles for the opener, and he was at it again in the second half when Divock Origi’s strike would have been straight down his throat if he hadn’t left the middle of the goal vacant.

    3. Pennington goes from ecstasy to agony in the space of 177 seconds after first scoring in front of the Kop, only to then see Coutinho drift past him and curl one into the top corner. Welcome to the Premier League.

    4. Jurgen Klopp is officially in love with the Merseyside derby after becoming the first Liverpool manager to win his first three. Expect a billboard sized flag emblazoned with the German’s face to be waving on the adoring Kop very soon.

    5. No Mane, no problem? Divock Origi proved he might be able to step in for the injured Sadio Mane, scoring just two minutes after coming on for the Senegalese forward.