The Secretly-Mean Diaries of Juan Mata

Dear Diary,

It happened again at the Arndale. Yet more selfie requests. Everywhere I go it seems, people have this impression that I am a nice guy when actually I find most people insufferable. Even when I was at Chelsea, fans of all clubs loved me. John was so jealous.

Spent most of yesterday knocking about with Ander, reluctantly. I sent him to Homebase today to get some tartan paint and bubbles for a spirit level, just because I could. He was gone for 4 hours before he returned, downtrodden and heartbroken. He was complaining so I Happy-Slapped him (#OldSkool) and uploaded it to Instagram. More tears. I think not starting the last few league games is getting to him. I told him he was pathetic and walked off. I texted John to inform him of my antics. He’ll be made up. He says Steve Bruce is no fun and spends most days sobbing into a pasty named ‘Gary’. He has the pictures to prove it.

I remembered a curious incident with Marouane in training last week. He often poses me random scenarios and situations whenever he feels I am off-guard. We had all just gone in for a rub-down. He perched down on his haunches and grabbed me by both shoulders, ‘You are blindfolded and being led through some woods. DESCRIBE WHAT YOU CAN HEAR, SMELL AND TASTE’. His eyes were manic. Frightened, and with no other recourse, I bit him on the nose and scampered to safety behind Big Dave, ‘The Brain from Spain’ (Still can’t believe he bought the broken fax story). I had managed to evade his philosophical and physical clutches that time. Although with Crystal Palace looming, he will be trying to outfox me again soon no doubt.

Managed to get my hand on Youngy’s playlists on Spotify when he wasn’t looking. Deleted some of his fave’s and added a few choices of my own. Cannot wait to see his face when Scatman John is belting out of the speakers.

Still no response from John 🙁

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